Crawfish Humor
(Demented of Course)

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Kerry campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

..........................................

A woman brought a very limp duck into a  veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
 After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck "Quacker" has passed away."
 The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
 "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
 "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
 The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned
 a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's
 owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
 looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
 The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the
 bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
 The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
 is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
 Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
 produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
 The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried,
 "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
 The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
 would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's now
 $ 150.00...."

20 to Life

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.  She
finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches
as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched
to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive."Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

  "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten out today."

Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO...

10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.

9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.

8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.

7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".

6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.

4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.

3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".

1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.  A young man walked up
and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, blue, yellow.   The old man just stared.    Every time the young man
looked around, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer,
never done anything wild in your life?"
  Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had
sex  with a parrot.  I was just wondering if you were my son."

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. "Honey, are you okay?" he asks her. "Yes" she replies. "Then what are you doing?" he asks. "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb and I wanted to do it by painting the house." she replies. "Then why are you wearing a ski jacket over a fur coat?" he asks. "Well," she replies "I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said.....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

*****************************

ANY LAWYERS IN THE HOUSE?

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000." The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…"

*****************************

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.  The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
 Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and
 broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.  "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!", was Kathy's reply.  "Very good," said the teacher.
 Next little Lucy raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too but we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time,but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
    "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
 "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.  Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.  She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
 She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
      "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did
 your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
 "Stay the Hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.

******************************

"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

*****************************

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed.
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.
Amen

******************************

Four businessmen were out on the golf course one evening playing one evening. Three of them where gathered around the tee bragging on their sons. The first said my sons a doctor and is so successful he just bought a $300,000 home and give it to a friend of his for free. The second one said yeah my son is successful also. He started out with a small used car lot and now he owns a conglomerate of auto dealerships. He's so successful he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes for free. The third spoke up and said my sons a successful stockbroker and is so successful he just gave one of his friends a stock portfolio worth a fortune for free. About that time the 4th walked up and one of them said "Ed how's your son doing?" Ed said "well he's gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not happy with his lifestyle or his job at all but he is doing pretty well. His last 3 boyfriend's gave him a new home, a new Mercedes and a stock portfolio worth bout a half mil."

*****************************

"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell 'Punxsutawney'?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio."

****************************

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo and nods.
"I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

After living in the remotes of Arkansas all
  his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picked up a mirror for the very first time and looked into it. Not knowing what the mirror was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father, so he hung the mirror in the barn. Every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
  Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bit~h he's runnin' around with

****************************

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
 An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the man replied, "in-laws."

****************************

SURVIVOR MISSISSIPPI

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Mississippi is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor - Mississippi Style."

The contestants will start in Biloxi, travel up to Hattiesburg and on to McComb and Jackson. Then they will head up to Yazoo City, Tunica, Hernando, back down to Senatobia and over to Tupelo. From there they will proceed down to West Point and Columbus. Then back down through Louisville, Quitman, Laurel, and to Lucedale and
back down to Biloxi.

Each will be driving a bright pink Volvo with California license plates and
bumper stickers that read: "I'm gay". "I support PETA". "No more cutting
down timber". "The NORTH was RIGHT". "The PAC10 can Beat the SEC
ANYDAY". "NASCAR sucks". "Hillary/Sharpton in 2004". "Deer Hunting is
murder". And "I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

The first one who makes it out of the Delta  alive, wins.

Good luck to all contestants!

****************************************

For That Special Someone

Roses are red, violets are blue, 

sugar is sweet,

and so are you.                           

 But the roses are wilting,                          

the violets  are dead,                                     

 the sugar bowl's empty  and so is your head.

*****

My love you take my breath away,      What have you stepped in to smell this way

*****

I see your face when I am dreaming
 That's why I always wake up screaming

*****

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But I'm scared to take that paper bag off your face
*****************************

If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of the beer, not the stock one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you would have $214.00

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program.

I call it my 401-Keg plan.

****************************************

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing is wrong' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

*****************************************

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

*******************************

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Sorry I'm being such a jackass

********************************

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?" The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the steam until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."

They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.

"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

*******************************

Two friends, Will is an Optimist and Bob is  a Pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day  Will decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual Pessimistic thinking.

Will owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take Bob and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Will brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

Will looked at Bob and said, "What do you think about that?"

Bob replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?

********************************

Job Interview - the 'Killer Question'

This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
 You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect  woman you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?   Think before you continue reading...
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
 The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
 Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to"Think Outside of the Box."
 However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect woman against the bus stop and drive off with the old friend for some beers.

****************************

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.  When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.

A tube of K-Y jelly;
A rubber glove; and
A beer.

When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......


Dammit, Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT
********************************

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL  HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
 THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND  I'M  STAYING RIGHT HERE.
 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS  IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE. THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T
 LISTEN TO REASON.
  THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
  HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. "I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON.

"Learn English"

Is This the Man You Want Running Our Country?

The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and
Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing
discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda
terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls.
The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting
the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas.

So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but
Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate
and seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the following
children:

Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dundat

Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have
sprung from one couple:

Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin

****************************

Bush and Gore went fishing last winter. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with none.
Gore screamed for a revote.

The next day Bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a revote.

So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back with 293 fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the secret service spy and asks whether Bush is cheating.

"Yes," replied the spy, "he's putting holes in the ice."

********************************

Do We Have Parishes in Tunica?????

               -------------------

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

******************************

I Guess This Must Be Political Joke Day

He said, "How come you didn't follow in his footsteps instead of choosing this way of life ?"

She sighed and said, "Oh, just lucky I guess. Besides, I had my moral standards to uphold."

******************************

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The old man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Aren't you afraid of me? Satan asked."Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep, " was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

******************************

 "courtesy of Homer"

A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about 2
    miles north of the Pa/Md state line. When the Trooper asked the driver
    why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a
    juggler and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at
    the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
    The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
    driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
    ticket.

    The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on
    ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he
    had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle
    them.
    The juggler stated that he could,so the Trooper got three flares, lit
    them and handed them to the juggler.

    While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the

    patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he

    then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

    The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car,
    opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
    The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause
    there's no way in hell I can pass that test

******************************

One day he rented out his boat to four "out-of-stater" men who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe....THINKING SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT HIS BOAT said, "Hell no! Fact is. I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back, and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger, and she leaked like crazy...........I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time......I warned them that she wasn't very good, and that she smelled bad....but they wanted her anyways. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time, and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted right there in the grocery store.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar.
Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
***************************

ONE FOR THE WOMEN IN THE AUDIENCE

  One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
   Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

    Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river."
   Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

   The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools .... and the intelligence ... to cross this river." And

    Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
*******************************